Selfishly sick and self absorbed
It’s a tuesday night and I’d done an eighth of mushrooms earlier in the day because that’s my life right now. I’ve grown bored with myself, sobriety, and my new spectacular house that is doused in hideous blue paint. I want to get away before I dwell on it and go insane. So, I head out to a so-and-so’s house to be entertained. When I arrive, I text him and he tells me to let myself in. I travel through the garage down into the basement that I’ve merely passed through on many occasions in the previous 5 years. I don’t even know what’s in there. I’m always kind of nervous when I’m here. My stomach always gets all knotted up and I try to breathe deep breaths to slow my heart down, but it only helps until I acknowledge that it’s helping and I need to start all over again. I get to his room, which is basically an apartment in the basement of his parents house. I don’t judge. When I sit down I nonchalantly greet him and swallow my nerves. I don’t even know where the anxiety comes from, and one would guess that in the tenure of the time I’d been seeing him, the inner trembling would be gone. He intimidates me, though. He’s so comfortable with himself and he knows what he wants. On top of that, he’s a womanizer and I’m not positive what he expects of me. He is also notoriously drunk, which is an added benefit to him. The mushrooms aren’t giving me an advantage here. He offers me his bottle of Grey Goose saying, “it doesn’t even taste like vodka.” I take a massive gulp of it, hoping I’ll adapt to my atmosphere. It certainly made a difference. We talk about books and movies, which I enjoy because nothing we usually do is too intellectually stimulating. Then without warning, its an hour and a half later and I’m sneaking out of the house while he’s passed out on the bed. Its no use waking him up. We’re not friends like that, and I feel no obligation to inform him that I’m leaving. He probably won’t remember that I was even here. In a way, that’s how I’d like to be in most situations. Discreet. Unnoticed. In the same breath, I like to look a little interesting, which tends to provoke people to address me. Undesired. But, we’ve learned here that if you ask for it, you’re gonna get it.
If you do something enough it starts to lose its meaning. If you wake up enough, you’re going to start to forget why.
SVUesday!
Mmm morning joints. Tuesdays are becoming my favorite days. I get out of work at 8am, get some marylou’s, take a shower, smoke periodically throughout my day, and just relax knowing that I deserve it and that I don’t work again until saturday. I plan to get to know my Mountain Goats Pandora station a little more intimately today, and do practically nothing else. Ready. Set. Go.
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Not shy of fatal, thank god.
God, why do we even seek out long term companions? Can we, first, discuss how bizarre it is to desire to keep a human to oneself? Doesn’t that border on slavery? No, not really, but in an extreme kind of perspective, then maybe. And the turmoil that accompanies the relationship is just traumatic. But in the end, being in that relationship seems to take precedence over almost everything else in a persons life. Call me jaded, but I’m hitting a wall trying to figure out why.. You can also call me lazy because I’m basically asking for a done deal. I’m not trying to fuck with trials and tribulations here. I’m not trying to get married immediately either. The guys that are that committal are typically the most trustworthy and patient, though. The last thing I want to stress over is who or what he does on his off time. Good luck to me, right? So that’s about it regarding my relationship woes. Deal with it, ‘cause I don’t.
My heaven is a nice house in the sky; got central heating and I’m alright.
Photo reblogged from Consise and to the Point with 4,207 notes
Melissas dad is an asshole. haha
Source: emunn
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